BEEZEEBEE has transferred to http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
Because blog.com is always giving me a bad gateway connection and you my readers cannot access my blogs, I have transferred BEEZEEBEE to a better site at http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
HOPE TO SEE YOU AT http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
BEEZEEBEE has transferred to http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
Because blog.com is always giving me a bad connection and you my readers cannot access my blogs, I have transferred BEEZEEBEE to a better site at http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
HOPE TO SEE YOU AT http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
Tags: beezeebee, BEEZEEBEE2142010
BEEZEEBEE TRANSFERRED TO http://bzb2010.blogspot.com/
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
LIFE IS A BITCH !
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
September 20, 2010
Oftentimes when someone or something disappoints or offends us we just ignore it or smile, muster all the patience and tolerance we have and try to continue as if nothing happened. But, deep inside, there’s this voice that wants to speak out what we really feel. We all have felt that feeling, that bottled up emotion that we wanted to let go of but held back to avoid a confrontation or offend someone.
I know for sure that you have experienced that moment when you wanted to give someone a piece of your mind and put him in his place. Or probably just express your frustration or disappointment towards somebody who just can’t seem to get a simple something or anything!
So have you done it? Actually let go? Set the emotions free and let out the other side of yourself that hides inside you…have you experienced letting go of your inner BITCH?
Whether you like it or not, we are all Bs. Even men can be Bs sometimes. Surprised? Well, your inner B can come in different forms that will give you that momentary sense of satisfaction that quenches your thirst for blood! It can easily make you smile and you and your friends may and will laugh about it, but, all to soon, it can make you feel guilty afterwards. An arched eyebrow, a tightened mouth, a dagger look, a gaze that stays locked on a target, crossed arms, a deep sigh and the classic- the rolling of the eyeballs. All these manifestation of your Bitchiness only confirm that life is such a cruel world that you better be ready to take the hits with a smile, a sense of humor and a steadfast determination.
I had a hilarious experience at work which happened just last week. My co-worker who is fairly new in the company where I work is the type who always acts prim and proper. She has exquisite taste in clothes and shoes, and moves in a princess like manner. When she walks, all the guys’ eyes are on her as she stands statuesque and moves so delicately poised. She never looses her composure and she speaks slowly, carefully uttering every syllable that comes out of her mouth. She prays the rosary before the start of work and after the end of each working day. During lunch breaks, we would stare at her and observe how she carefully puts food in her mouth. Her lips barely part when she swallows her food. She only drinks after a meal and would engage in normal conversations with us, but would never allow her voice or laugh be loud enough to be heard to the tables beside us. We often wonder how she is like when she gets angry as we have never seen her not even once loose her composure. Last week at work, we had our models’ audition for a major fashion show set in October this year. Various modeling agencies sent their models to audition. My co-worker was in charge the audition.
To no one’s surprise, she delivered everything that was expected of her and more! The audition went flawlessly and so did her bitching. She complained about how ugly some models were, asked a couple of them to change their clothes and hairstyle, and continuously criticized how slow the models were to understand simple directions which in fairness to her were all true. One time, I had to take over the audition as she suddenly laughed uncontrollably in the middle of the audition because one model didn’t understand directions and walked opposite the direction where everybody was walking. Through it all, my co-worker never lost her composure. She delivered her lines perfectly and stood poised and tall while making all the bitchy gestures and comments anyone could think of. Her eyes rolled so many times that I stopped counting. I heard so much swearing words from her that my vocabulary doubled that day! We didn’t know whether to laugh or be shocked at the revelations we saw about her. Surprises indeed come in strange packages. With my co-worker the unexpected happen. She is the queen of the Bs. All the Bs fail in comparison to her Bness!
We all had a great time that day. Each of us had our share of Bness. We laughed at one model and one situation, insulted another, made fun at a few and had so much fun bonding together. We had dinner and coffee afterwards and didn’t stop talking and repeating over and over again the things that happened that day.
I got home late that night. My boyfriend stood with a smile on his face at the front door of our apartment as I parked the car. And when he asked me how my day was, I paused for a second before I could say I had a great day. Honestly, I really had a great day! But, somehow I felt wrong about making fun of all those people who just wanted to work and pursue their dreams. And then right there in my boyfriend’s arms I realized, Oh My God! I belittled them and crushed their dreams! I was such a B!
I didn’t tell my boyfriend the things that happened that day as I was afraid he might look at everything differently from my perspective. Like a child who was afraid to be caught having done something wrong, I changed the topic immediately. Now, I feel guilty making fun of some of those ridiculously good looking models who were ridiculously slow in between the ears. I had my B moment and my co-workers’ and friends’ B moments fueled our Bness. We were unfairly mean and insulting to a few. And that feeling now is ripping me to pieces. I had so much fun at the expense of others and even though people may not have seen my unprofessional behavior I know I behaved badly.
It’s true after all, that regret comes after. Some people get lost in themselves, with the power they wield and the influence they have. We tend to judge others based on the standards we set for ourselves that even ourselves cannot hope to meet. We find it easy criticize others when we ourselves don’t want to be criticized.
I failed to realize during the models’ audition, that to them that audition was a major deal, it was their dream, or maybe a step closer towards their dream, it was their life. But, for me it was just an ordinary day at work. What was a 5 minute audition to me was probably a whole day or two of eager and nervous preparation for them.
It’s tragic how our dreams that seem to be the single most important thing in our lives can seem so irrelevant and unimportant to others. It’s sad how people can easily crush our lifetime dreams. And what a terrible life this is for those who do not get to experience the breaks that they need.
Five years ago, I was an employee in a Bank who did the same work each day for five days in a week. I was bored to death and I wanted a change in my career. I set up to find what I was looking for and put all my efforts to finding that job that would always challenge me to give my best and be more. Five years ago, somebody took a chance on me. I wasn’t qualified for the job I initially had here in my present company. All I had was my enthusiasm and self-confidence. But, I saw my dream came true. And it’s a wonderful life to be able to live your life exactly how you wanted it.
I terribly regret crushing the dreams of some of those I meet at work. It may be a rejected proposal, applicant, an erring employee or a team member who can’t meet a deadline. But, sometimes, having your dreams crushed can be what you need to truly be committed and determined to making your dream come true. After all, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and the last man standing usually succeeds. This is by no way an excuse to be a B. But, the reality is-in business, business is business.
In a world were everyday, something new is discovered and someone better in everything comes along, we don’t have time to be complacent and expect for breaks and opportunities. We have to find that break for ourselves and make our own opportunities. The road is tough so the weak and the feeble need to toughen up. Life is like a bull that you need to take by the horns and direct towards where you want to go. Nothing will come to you by simply waiting. You have to do something about it while waiting or else you will end up waiting forever without realizing what ever it is that you want. You will meet plenty of Bs along the way and may even become one yourself in time. But, the most important thing is, you try, try hard everytday. Make opportunities out of problems and learn from rejection and disappointment. Life is a bitch and people can be bitches. You don’t have to become one. But, you can learn a lot from one.
It’s perfectly ok to take a break, but don’t get lost in it. There’s plenty of time for you to sleep when you’re dead. Now, aint that a Bitch?
blog inspired by mikko
image: eat your heart out by jaicca at deviant art
Tags: achoo, ambitions, beezeebee, bitch, bittersweet, dreams, hardwork, life, life is a bitch, trials
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
September 14, 2010
This is my first blog requested by a reader. Thank you for being part of my journey. Whoever you are, this is specially for you.
No matter how many relationships you’ve had or how many almost relationships you could have had, there is just simply no simple way of understanding love and relationships. It’s not like a roller coaster ride that you can get used to after several rides. There is no predicting when the ups and the downs or the curves and the turns will be. Although you may get that familiar feeling in your gut when a relationship is working out or not, or when it’s about to end and crash, but, it’s always like the first time when you deal with relationship problems. Getting on board and getting off that roller coaster are actually the easy steps. The ride is always the toughest part of the relationship. It will either break your spirit or make you stronger.
One kind of relationship that has the most share of the twists and the turns is a Long Distance Love. I had experienced it once, and I don’t ever want to experience it again! A long distance relationship is like having a relationship with yourself. You feel your commitment to your relationship and to the person you love, but at the same time, you feel like you are a single person. You go through all your life experiences alone and learn to depend only on yourself first, and then friends or family. Relationships should be good for sharing experiences together, being able to talk about things you know or see together and share your individual thoughts about them. With a long distance relationship you are forced to content yourself with a phone call, a text message, an email, chat and any way or all ways to connect with your partner. And regardless how long you talk on the phone or many text messages you send each other, at the end of it all, you end up alone longing to have your partner with you. You sleep alone, wake up alone, eat by yourself, try out a new restaurant or watch a movie alone. You may buy things for the house you share or anything for yourself or for your partner, but when you get home and everything is settled again, the loneliness and the reality of being alone will always hit you. No matter how much material things you fill that separation void with, that emptiness remains. And even if you share these lonely moments with friends, you will only find a momentary relief or distraction from what you are actually feeling…You are alone.
In a long distance relationship, the loneliness only stops when you are reunited with your partner. If it stops before that, it means that either you have found someone to replace your partner or you have grown so much apart with each other that you don’t need him in your life anymore.
Two years on to a previous relationship with an ex- boyfriend, his father suffered a heart attack and he had to go back to his hometown and manage their business for an indefinite period. At that time, we both had stable corporate careers and our lives were already established in the city where we lived. I was a front desk officer in a five star hotel and he was a sales supervisor in one of the manufacturing companies in the city. Since it was his main family that had a crisis, he decided that he was the one who should give up his job. Another consideration was that there was simply no future in customer service or public relations for me in their town because there was no opportunity there for my field of expertise. However, as couples would normally do, we initially considered going back to his hometown together, because, we didn’t want to be separated from each other. So, we made a mutual decision that I stay, since there were a lot of things we would be giving up and a lot of uncertainties as well that we would be facing if we both decided to move to their hometown. We thought that with this decision, if things eventually go well and he didn’t need to be in their town anymore, he would go back to the city again and continue our lives as we had been living it.
Saying goodbye to him at the airport wasn’t that hard as I thought. I was on shifting schedule at that time and it was that season of the year when hotels were fully booked everyday of the week. I had my work and he had his family situation to distract us. We missed each other, but, phone calls and daily text messages kept us in touch. Chat on cam when we woke up and before going to bed made it seem like our situation was temporary. We talked endlessly about our days and experiences and how much we missed each other. We cried and laughed together and at each other. We were doing alright. Yes, we missed each other and each other’s physical presence, but, it really seemed like we were managing our situation pretty well. We didn’t realize that soon, the separation will hit us.
A month passed, then two months, then three and then his birthday passed, then it was almost Christmas. Funny how everything is magnified times two during special occasions and holidays. We began to feel the loneliness and the reality of our situation. Suddenly, the temporary separation seemed permanent and uncertain. We were sad and frustrated. We were apart and we were extremely lonely and missed each other. We remained hopeful though, but, we were both miserable. Christmas, New Year and my birthday passed. I managed through all these with friends and family, but it was different and difficult. It was like I was laughing but no sound was coming out from my mouth. I felt like I wanted to cry all the time but I had already exhausted my tears that nothing came out. I wanted to shout, but I felt so tired and defeated. I was celebrating these important memorable occasions that I should be sharing and celebrating with my partner and creating memories together, but it wasn’t possible. I had no choice but to be with other people close to me, people that I also loved, otherwise I would have gone crazy. I felt incomplete and really sad. Being happy was an effort. I learned to master putting up a happy face when with others when deep inside I was really lonely and sad. I felt like I was single again, but this time with a hollowness inside that could not be filled with fun parties, endless shopping, hanging out with friends, getting busy at work, phone calls, text messages and live chat with my partner. I wanted someone there with me that could I laugh with. Someone I could just stare in the eyes and hold in my arms. Someone I could kiss, make love with or just be there beside me even without saying anything at all. I wanted someone to make me feel that I was alive and that I had a life I share with someone…a person, someone I could touch, someone I could smell, someone I could hold…not just a voice I could hear or a face I could see in a computer or phone. Someone who will share my life. I missed having my partner alive with me, in the real life.
My life felt so temporary that at any moment it might change. We could be together one day or we could never be together again. There was no feeling of stability, of permanency, of security. Everything seemed to be for the meantime. My life felt like it was on hold, waiting for something that might or might never happen. And this is only about the separation that I felt when I was in a long distance relationship.
When you are in a long distance relationship, there will be other realities that you would have to deal with. How about the insecurity that you feel? How about the trust issues? The maybes and what ifs that you have at the back of your mind? These will drive you so crazy that you would feel like it’s better not to have the relationship at all than always wonder what or where or how your partner is doing at any time of the day or night. It’s easy to say to trust each other in times when you’re not physically together, but, in reality that is such a hard thing to do.
In a long distance relationship, to be able to keep your sanity and love, sometimes you just have to ignore and turn a blind eye to the issue of trust and fidelity to manage and come out still together. You just trust your partner leave it at that. No explanations, no questions. You just hold on to that promise that at the end of your journey, it’s still going to be you and him. That in the end what will matter is having each other finally again, and anything that happened or may have happened along the way simply didn’t exist. If you ever want to go back to how things were before, or to what you had before, you just let unanswered questions go. You don’t ask questions and you don’t investigate. It will bother you and may even forever haunt you, but it’s going to be a choice of continuing a relationship or putting an end to it. Because in separation brought about by a long distance relationship, there will never be a complete answer to all your questions. And there will always be questions unanswered.
The truth about long distance relationships is that just like any other kind of love, there is no perfect relationship or love or lover that we will ever find in our lifetime. We will never have everything that we want in life, but we can have the most and make the most of our lives and find happiness and love in contentment. I am not saying that we should be happy and content with just what and who is there, all I am saying is that we all have different definitions to our happiness. So when you find yours, when you find that someone, seize it and hold on to him, treasure it and nurture it. Life is unpredictably short. Don’t live your life in regret and misery.
A long distance relationship is a matter of choice. All you have to do is to be true to yourself. The only person who truly knows you is you. You are your responsibility. Take care of yourself first before taking care of others. Because, however a long distance relationship ends, the only thing you can depend on is yourself. It’s you who will take care of yourself if you end up alone and it’s you who will nurture your relationship with your partner if the two of you make it in the end. Either way, you will always have yourself to determine what kind of life you want to live.
image by panicpollo92 at deviant art
Tags: beezeebee, keeping together, long distance love, long distance relationship, relationship, SEPARATION
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE MORE…
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
September 7, 2010
Expectations only lead to frustration. And frustration to disappointment. Once disappointed, there is a big chance that we will become resentful and bitter. And when this happens, we end up angry. Now, who wants someone who is constantly angry about anything or something and even everything? Not me, and I’m sure not you too! Nobody wants an angry person. Angry persons end up alone. But, sometimes we just can’t help it, specially when our hearts are concerned. We fall into bitterness and anger when we don’t get what we want or what we expect we deserve in matters of love and relationships.
Let me tell you about anger and bitterness in three different kinds of love: Family, Friendship and Romantic Love.
Growing up, I thought that the key to happiness in love is loving unconditionally. I was always ready to give my heart wholly and whole heartedly to people I loved regardless of anything. But, along the way I got my heart broken. My parents loved my brother more than me and my sisters and some friends loved me for what I had, who I was and the things they could get from me. Through all these, the quality of love that I gave remained unaffected. It didn’t matter to me that much if I get the love back that I give. Any form or amount of love given to me always seemed enough. I didn’t measure love based on what was given to me but more on what I could give and how much that made me happy. I was happy giving love. And then I grew up, and at 15, I fell in love.
Everything I knew about love felt and seemed different when i fell in love. Suddenly, the quality and amount of love I received mattered. I wasn’t just happy giving love anymore, expectations developed and disappointments sometimes happen when these expectations were not met. Everything was more when I fell in love. There were more feelings of joy, contentment, excitement, expectations, resentment, frustrations and disappointments. The mix of emotions confused me and made me realize that romantic love was something you cannot predict or prepare for or even master. You don’t get used to the feeling of falling in love and staying in love no matter how many times love happens to you. Romantic love forced me to open my eyes and examine the different kinds of love I had in my life.
Having experienced romantic love made me look differently at love in general. I started to take notice of the quality and amount of love i was giving and receiving, and somehow these begun to matter. I felt resentment towards my parents for loving us differently. Because of this, I subconsciously set a limit to how much I should love them so that I won’t get hurt or disappointed. I became independent and strong. Too independent as a matter of fact that I felt like I didn’t need my parents anymore for anything. They just became figure heads for me. I never attended family events, I was always out of the house with my boyfriend or friends, and when I was home I stayed in my room mostly usually on the phone with my boyfriend and friends or studying. I made decisions about everything that concerned me without consulting them. They couldn’t do anything because I wasn’t bad nor lost like get into drugs or something. My grades were high, I looked and acted normal like any teenager. I rebelled against them by making myself successful and independent. I was invulnerable but unaware that I had created an invisible fence of anger and bitterness towards them. I loved them more and that made me resent them.
Now that I’m an adult and truly independent, I’ve resolved my bitter feelings towards my family by just accepting how things are and by not seeking explanations or justifications. I learned to understand that things are just the way they are and that there are things that are beyond my control. I could either dwell on my resentment and be consumed by anger and be angry at everything and everyone and turn out to be a cold hearted person who would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Or, I could choose to move on and accept things that I cannot change and continue to be hopeful about life. It’s not our heartaches nor our pain that will change our lives, it is the decision that we make after these experiences that will determine who we are and where we are bound to be.
Sometimes we meet people who just click with us in most aspects. These may be our friends from childhood, from school, from work, from everywhere, friends of friends and from acquaintances. Friendships just happen. We don’t plan them. With friendship, it is easier to love and not expect anything. I don’t know why, it just is.
We classify our friends based on how much we share with them and how available they are for us when we need them and vice versa. There are those we regard as Fair Weather Friends. These are friends who are there for us whenever we don’t have problems. We have fun with them and a great time is always guaranteed whenever with them. But, there are no other connections aside from the fun part. These so called friends disappear the moment we have problems and need help. They don’t provide listening ears or shoulders to cry on. However, the moment we get back on our feet, they are readily available again as our friends. The fun just never stops with them. Don’t make the mistake of investing love on this kind of friendship because it’s a shot in the dark to get any kind of genuine love back. With Fair Weather Friends only a dead end is waiting for you at the end of this one way road.
Then there are friends we call as Friends by Circumstance. We don’t choose to be friends with them and neither do they, but, because of something in common like work, school, other friends etc. we are somehow forced to get by with them. Friends by Circumstance have the potential to become real friends. They are like wine that tastes good as the friendship ages. However, don’t give away your love immediately to this kind of friends because the journey to real freindship with them is a long winding road full of unexpected intrigues, envy and issues. Remember, don’t love then right away because they have a lot of other Friends by Circumstance themselves. You wouldn’t want to feel like they chose another over you, would you? Afterall, you can’t avoid not to see them so take your time and get to know them well.
Your inner circle of friends is usually composed of your best friend and other close friends you choose to let in your life. Close friends are those you choose because you have a lot of things in common. They have the potential to be your best friends. But even close friends get into unexpected circumstances that will test the quality of friendship and love that exist. Sometimes you may love a close friend more than the others maybe because you are more similar to one or perhaps more time is shared compared with the other friends. Sometimes, close friends also fall out of their friendship and grow apart. Usually this happens because of jealousy, misunderstanding or selfishness. But, If things go well, you might end up as best friends.
Loving a best friend is tricky. Oftentimes we act as if we are more than friends. People may sometimes mistake you and your bestfriend as lovers. Which in some cases, isn’t really far from reality as a best friend may fall in love with the other. Although I have not fallen in love with a bestfriend, a bestfriend had fallen in love with me before. Usually it will take a third party to tell you that your best friend is in love with you before you realize it. Although sometimes you feel it, (because of the way your bestfriend reacts to your boyfriend or orther friends) but, you immediately dismiss the thought. A best friend falling in love with another is a complicated matter. Because even if you try to save a bestfriend relationship, when the secret is out, everything changes and things start ot fall down just like how a domino falls when lined up. Mostly in the end, the friendship unfortunately cannot be salvaged because the other person has grown so resentful and angry that a long talk or any other kind of intervention is useless. Well, unless you are willing to reciprocate the same romantic feeling, which at most instances is an eeekkkk!, you may be able to save your friendship. When your bestfriend’s love is more than yours whether romantic or not, the day will come when the your bestfriend will change. He might seem easily irritated by something and nothing. Then he’ll start to avoid you and you’ll see less and less of him until the two of you have grown apart.
For friends, resentment builds when one friend gives more love than the other. For bestfriends, anger happens when a bestfriend falls in love with his bestfriend who cannot even feel that love or cannot give back the same love.
Don’t you notice that in a romantic love, it almost takes forever to finally find that one person to love or will love you. Then, just when you thought that a happy life has finally begun after finding that one true love, You realize that everything is just starting anew. Another chapter of your lovelife begins and as usual anything that is related to romantic love is hard to understand and doesn’t come easy , so it seems.
In a romantic relationship, when one feels more love than the other, it shows in various actions and behaviour. The other who feels more love usually remembers most of the important dates and experiences. He is oftentimes the one who has more time for the relationship, easily drops anything he’s doing for the other, cuts himself off from the world or other friendships and changes his own likes and dislikes in favor of what the other prefers. This actually is so sweet and unselfish. If this person finds the right person who will love him, there is no problem. They might actually live a life of honeymoon everyday! But, if he finds another who loves him less, a broken heart is just looming around somewhere.
When I met my first boyfriend, I was the one who was more in love with him. I was always ready to change my plans for his and was oftentimes the one waiting for him. He didn’t consult me for decisions that affect both of us and did pretty much what he please. In the end, he cheated on me more times than I could remember. I was young and a fool then and forgave him more times than needed. When I finally had it, I left him one day without a hint. He relentlessly pursued me and used all the tricks he could think of to have me back. But, I didn’t go back to him because my love was replaced by bitterness and anger. I was over him and our love, but I wasn’t over the broken relationship. I saw him two years later and he pursued me again. I basked in that great feeling that finally he realized my value and was ready to love me as much or maybe even more than I did. Unfortunately, I had already moved on and there was no love in my heart for him anymore. My bitterness and anger eventually disappeared. He eventually gave up after another year.
In any relationship, it can’t be helped that one will love the other more. But somehow the degree of love for each other changes during the relationship. One may love the other more at the start of a relationship, then in time the other may love the other more. So how do we deal with this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I am just as clueless as you are.
Although after a couple of relationships that didn’t work, I have learned to be loving because I want to and not because I have to. I just live a day at a time and try my best not to take my partner for granted and give him all the love that I can give. Sometimes I expect things in return, other times I don’t. But the thing is, I try not to change the quality and amount of love I give based on what I expect or receive. I don’t plan how I love or how I show my love, I just let go of any of my self-imposed restrictions and conditions of loving and go with the flow. It’s hard, but that’s how relationships are. You have to make an effort to make love and relationships work.
I believe in destiny and that things fall in their proper places if meant to be, but, I also believe that sometimes you have to inspire your destiny to happen.
image: LOVE by TTr2 at deviant art
Tags: beezeebee, boyfriend, break-up, DOUBT, ex, Falling in love and staying in love, LOVE, love more, relationship
THAT “THING” ABOUT YOUR EX…
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
September 3, 2010
There is a reason why a past love is called an EX or X.
When you fill out an application form or an exam, usually you put a check mark or a shade to your choice of answer and an X mark for a not applicable or a “no” answer. The way I see it, past relationships are like the X marks. They’re not the answer to your present important questions about your life. They are there as a statement of no relevance, or maybe just for information-a statement of a fact that hopefully you learned a valuable lesson from, or, just simply a cause of confusion that divert you from the correct answer.
Take for example my friend from work who got screwed over by her boyfriend of one year for a not so great looking girl he met while commuting to work. This kind of EX should be a statement of no relevance in a multiple choice question or better yet, maybe should not even be there as an option answer to choose from.
Exes as what the term imply are excess. They’re like your excess luggage when taking a short trip. You only have to pack your essentials so you don’t really need to bring them. But, somehow they find their way in your luggage. Whether you are over them or not. It’s like when you talk about stuff with your friends, somehow your exes find their way in your conversation. Who can blame you though. You share a history with an ex, so, completely erasing any trace of him in your life may take time. However, you should be careful about bringing up anything or mentioning something that is “EX” related in your conversations when with your present lover. You’ll never really know how he will react or what he might think of it. Would you want your boyfriend to be referencing anything you share or experience with him with an ex-girlfriend? Well, I thought so too!
Since a relationship with an Ex whether good or bad is something that really happened sometime in your past, an Ex or a past relationship is part of who you are now as a person. An Ex can be the reason for your single life and your bitter perspective of life. Sometimes discouragement and disappointments from a hurtful and unhealthy past relationship can scar you for life. It can make you hard and untrusting. Worse is you might even find yourself stuck forever in a state of constant bitterness and rage.
Other Exes can also become your motivation to aspire to be a better version of yourself or maybe for better things in your life. After all, past relationships and boyfriends are the best school for learning how to become a better lover and person. Books, movies, blogs etc., etc., are readily available to give you pointers about love and relationships, but, nothing beats hands-on experience. Some people do become better individuals after relationships that don’t succeed. Like for example my boyfriend. Having probably experienced a bad relationship where he might have been frustrated about the attention and respect given to a partner, he pays much attention to the things I like and don’t like in various aspects of our relationship, and quickly shows or at least tries to immediately make efforts to change or correct anything that we agreed to be wrong or needs to be improved by either of us. It’s this trait that makes me love him more everyday. I see that he constantly tries to be better as a person and as a lover and makes obvious efforts to make our relationship better all the time. So I’m a firm believer that definitely something good can come out of a bad relationship.
Lastly, Exes can be your worst nightmare! Worst than Freddie and Jason put together who keep resurrecting themselves to murder everyone and havoc confusion to all! An unresolved separation, a relationship without closure, an Ex who’s not over you or you not over an Ex yet are definitely bad, really bad for any present relationship you might have with another person. These kinds of relationships or Ex may come out as relationship issues in your present ones. By nature we are jealous and insecure people who are protective, sometimes over protective of ourselves and the relationships we we value. So issues about Exes may come out of the woodworks from time to time. But, the good thing about this kind of EX problem is that everything is actually in your control. How you steer events and how this kind of relationship problem can be solved actually rest solely on you. You cannot forbid an Ex who is still in love with you or wants you back to stop wanting you whether he acts on it or not. But, you have full control of how you will react to whatever actions your Ex may take. Don’t take your present relationship for granted over a past relationship. There is a real logical reason why an EX is called an X. For some reason your relationship with an Ex didn’t work out. So what are the chances that it will work out the second, third or fourth time? Shouldn’t you be moving on to make a new life for yourself while there is still time for you to enjoy a life filled with good memories with just one person you deserve and deserves you?
So what is it going to be then? A check mark or an X mark? Life is short, you never know what will happen in the next second. So move on with your life and live. You owe it to yourself!
image by: Getting over you by LJ24 from Deviant Art
Tags: beezeebee, boyfriend, ex, getting over, LOVE, lover, x
WAITING FOREVER…xoxo
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
September 1, 2010
Love is selfless. Love is patient and Love doesn’t expect anything in return, hmm…not always. Everyone who falls in love expects or prays that love is reciprocated. You may go on loving someone from a distance or even from complete anonymity of your existence but at one point, you will feel the frustration of an unrequited love and begin to ask yourself if the waiting and the secrecy of loving is worth it. Love is such an amazing and wonderful feeling if known and shared.
It is said that the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return. If this is so, then Love is meant to be shared and to make two people happy. Is Love a gift or a curse when it comes only from one person? Not receiving love is worst than getting a love that is less than given. Who then is the fool? The one giving love or the one not reciprocating the love? But then again, being on the receiving end of love should not require you to give love in return. What if no love is felt at all? Should you reciprocate out of courtesy’s sake? Love can be simple if a mutual feeling is shared. The same Love can be complicated if love is defined differently by two people. Love should come from free will and true romantic emotions and not from pity, obligation or desperation. Love shouldn’t settle for who or what is there just because there is no other choice. Love should not be afraid to risk rejection. And when rejection happens, Love should know when to re-evaluate, pursue, quit or continue.
A friend has been in love for the longest time with a mutual friend. Because of this, my friend goes out of his way to do favors for our mutual friend who has made it clear that they don’t share the same feelings. Though direct and clear that my friend has no chance with our mutual friend, he continues to carry this torch in hope that one day our mutual friend will look at him the way he looks at her. It has been years since this has been going on. Sometimes my friend would stop his madness and just disappear from any kind of presence to our mutual friend, in hope that he will be missed. What makes this ridiculously pathetic is my friend most of the time calls the dare not to communicate with our mutual friend when he experiences unmet expectations. As if hoping that our mutual friend will just wake up from a coma or be enlightened by the holy spirit and realize that my friend’s absence will be felt and missed.
But, as expected, when the same love is not felt by two people the hope to be missed is futile. In the end, it is always my friend who goes back to have his presence felt and continue to hopelessly wait in vain for a love that he probably will not get in this lifetime from our mutual friend.
Why do some wait in vain for an unrequited love? Do they truly expect and hope that they will get their story’s happy ending by persevering for a love that is not felt by another? We have all probably experienced receiving love that we cannot reciprocate because of a reason or another. So why is it that difficult to understand and deal with this same kind of loveless situation when the tables are turned and we are on the giving and expecting end of love? Are some people so afraid of experiencing love and all the disappointments and the hurts that come with it that the only way to experience love is to be in love with someone who is not capable of reciprocating the same? Is waiting forever more hopeful than actually experiencing the joy and hurts of loving?
I believe that when loving someone, we should be realistic with our loves and expectations. Although in the movies, fairy tales exist, in the real world, how many maids in Manhattan can make a handsome rich guy or honest politician fall in love with her? The competition in your own level is hard already, and you expect to compete out of your league? What horrifyingly looking beast will get the chance to make a beautiful woman fall in love with his personality and inner beauty? Does there even exist a fat and ugly looking secretary who can make his gorgeous millionaire playboy boss fall in love with her? That’s movie magic. A dust of fairy tale that will trap you to a life of old age and loneliness with only your dog, or cat, or bird to keep you company.
Expect love to happen to you and learn to make it happen. Have the strength and wisdom to know when to pursue, give-up, move on and love another. As the song says, “It’s the lover not the love who broke your heart in two”. When the lover and the love are just not meant for you after fruitless attempts to make love happen, just move on!
Don’t wait forever. Open your eyes and be true to yourself. The love that is meant for you is waiting to be discovered.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, waiting for love, waiting forever
OUR PASSIONS AND OUR DREAMS
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
August 27, 2010
They say that passion gives a person his soul. Without it, we are like emply shells that are easy broken into pieces with a sligh crush of a gentle hand. They also say that we need to follow our dreams so that we will never have regrets in our lives. In the real world, passion and dreams don’t come easy. We often realize these after the failures and regrets we commit and experience.
For some people, they find their passions and their dreams early in life. Others go through life without any clue of theirs. They grow old frustrated and unhappy, never to realize the joy of true happiness and satisfaction in life. There are also some who find their passions and their dreams only to lose them along the way because of disappointments. They are defeated by the realities of life and end up scared or bitter people. And then there are those who may have thought they have found their passions and dreams then eventually go through experiences that make then re-evaluate or question what they stand for and what they want to pursue in life. These people go through changes that challenge their values and perception of things about themselves and the things and people that surround them. Some are strong and persevere, others are beaten and give-up.
We dream about the things we want to become or have. While our passion is our journey that takes us to that dream.
A dear friend of mine dreams of setting up his own business in the future. His passion for hardwork and excellence at present indicate that his dream is just within his reach. Meanwhile, to save for his dream, he works hard as an employee in the corporate world. At work, his actions are not always his own and oftentimes he gets frustrated as he serves a company and his superiors who may not always see eye to eye with him and his work values and ethics. But, he remains true to the things that he regard as important and meaningful. Disappointments are part of working as employees. Staying focused and committed to one’s personal dreams and passion can sometimes be challenging and discouraging. We cannot always win our battles and sometimes we need to choose our fights to win. There will even be times when we need to re-assess our priorities or our dreams and choose which ones to give-up and which ones to pursue. But, in the end what matters is what we make of ourselves and what we become during these times. To dream is free. To have passion comes with a lofty price. Passion is more than a desire to have or to be. Passion takes a lot of hardwork, tolerance, perseverance and patience.
My dear friend continues to work in the coporate world. He doesn’t always get what he wants and things do not always work how he wants then to. But, he remains steadfast to his dreams and passions. He knows when to fight, when to retreat, when to win and when to accept defeat. He knows that he becomes stronger with every challenge and disappointment he encounters. He even knows when to stop, re-evaluate and go on either on the same or on a different path. In the end he’s always the winner as he still has his dreams and passions.
I have learned an important lesson from my dear friend’s experience. It’s that our dreams and passions should not be attached to things we can hold, things that are written on paper like a company name or an employment contract or on the rating we get in our performance evaluation or on the name of our bosses. Our passion should lie on the self-fulfillment we get from doing our jobs as employees and from doing the kinds of work that fulfill and validate us.
I have always been passionate about love, relationships, my job and my writing. I pursue the things I have passion for and so far in my life I have been blessed to have gotten exactly everything that I wanted. I’ve had an easy life, so far. The journey to finding out what my dreams and passions took a long time, but now that I am finally here, I continue to work hard to make myself deserving of the dreams and passions that I have. It may not be the same for others, but it’s all the same for us all, that when we find our dreams and passions, we must hold and cherish it like it may be gone tomorrow.
Have you found your dreams and passions in life? And what are you willing to do and give up when you find them?
image by: grambo_nitro from deviant art
Tags: achoo, ambition, battles, beezeebee, bittersweet, dreams, encourage, LOVE, passion, patience, perseverance, relationship, tolerance, values, win
“LOVELIFE”
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
August 20, 2010
Sometimes, when we are down and out, we tell ourselves that if only we have someone there we love and love us back, all our problems will disappear…puff…just like that!
I have been preoccupied with having a love life all my teenage years. Whenever I would have problems in school or with my parents I was too quick to tell myself…”if only I have a love life all these won’t be happening”. Now that I’m an adult and have had a couple of “love lives”, my perception of what it is about has changed.
Just like me, maybe we often perceive a love life as the answer to all our problems, our questions and it’s that “something” that will fill whatever void there is in our lives. But, the truth is, a love life isn’t really all that it’s cut out to be. It has it’s limitations and oftentimes a shelf life. It is not a drug that will relieve us from all the pains, hollowness and insecurities that we feel. And it is definitely not that “something” that will complete us and give our lives meaning.
Love is an amazing wonderful feeling. Impossible things that are close to a miracle can and may happen when you have a healthy love life. Still, a love life cannot erase the pain of a bad childhood memory that haunt us even as adults, it cannot assure us that career promotion that we have been working hard for all these years? Neither can it make all our dreams come true. Can a love life reconcile a bad relationship we have with any friend or relative? Can a love life make our life long ambitions happen? And can a love life make us completely feel better about ourselves?
Don’t get me wrong I so love having a love life, but just like all things in the world it is not the answer to all our questions and doubts.
Having a great love life is a bonus in our lives. A healthy love life inspires us to aspire. It gives us another great reason to look forward to another day. It encourages us to become better in everything. It makes us feel good about our lives and ourselves. It gives us strength and helps us persevere beyond what is imaginable. A love life makes life so much worth living. It gives us a sense of better purpose and meaning to our lives. A love life makes us strive to become better versions of ourselves. But, let’s not expect a love life to be a miracle drug that will cure all the miseries and problems we have. Let’s not give our love lives more than its share of responsibility.
This morning my boyfriend and I had one of our romantic and inspiring bonding moments that make our relationship stronger. Just before daybreak, we held each other for two hours talking about our individual lives and mutual plans.
My boyfriend shared to me what he is going through lately. As one of the best in his field of expertise at work, he contributes so much to the efficiency and effectiveness of his department. He generally has a positive attitude about everything and is such a hard worker. But, just like any of us, that time comes when we begin to want more or something different. Perhaps something that is more meaningful, more challenging, better rewarding and more exciting. He said that lately he’s been having questions about his career and what he wants to do with his life. Although he might not know it, I knew that he was struggling with something like this and I oftentimes feel frustrated that there is nothing active that I can do about his situation. Through all these, he never ceased to think positive and smile. He may have seemed frustrated sometimes, but he always managed to be hopeful in the end. He doesn’t let this affect our relationship and the times we spend together which is something I admire about him. Had this happened to me, I would definitely won’t be able to keep an unaffected mood. He went on to tell me that if one does everything in his power and give it all of one’s best, everything will fall in the right places in a matter of time. One just have to work hard, be prepared and be patient. And that is exactly how he was dealing with his situation.
In moments such as this, my boyfriend amazes me so much that all I can do is smile and be thankful that he is mine. I’m grateful that I continue to learn and be inspired by him which I hope is the same for him.
That early bonding moment got me thinking. Just like my boyfriend, having a love life doesn’t stop our personal world from revolving. We will still have our dreams and ambitions that need to be fulfilled. We may sometimes feel miserable, frustrated and disappointed about the world outside our relationship, but we can be rest assured that whatever happens, the person we love will be there for us, no matter what. And though frustrated we maybe for our limitations to help our loves deal with the challenges they maybe going though, they will not got through it alone.
I realized that having a love life does not mean that we are immune to the negative things that happen in the world and in our individual lives. And that there is a bigger world outside our relationship that we may or may not be able to control and deal with. But, having a healthy lovelife is an assurance that someone is there to watch our backs. That no matter how long we close your eyes we will not lose sight of our paths because someone will guide and help us find your way.
A healthy love life is not a guarantee to a problem free life. A love life has its limitations. But, the possibilities are endless. And that I think this is the beauty and miracle of our “LOVELIFE”.
Tags: achoo, beauty, beezeebee, bittersweet, boyfriend, girlfriend, life, LOVE, lovelife, miracles, relationship, soul mate
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
August 4, 2010
Why is it that when our bodies get sick both our hearts and our spirits get sick as well? When we are physically weak, we are at our most vulnerable state. Sometimes we become irritable, less affectionate, always tired and always sleepy. There are even times when our spirits are broken and we lose faith and hope. We retreat from the outside world and feel even more miserable and hopeless.
I am sick as I write this blog. Nothing life threatening nor a cause for alarm. Just your regular flu. Feverish and physically weak. Having to do nothing but lie in bed and sleep, I realized that when we are sick, we are more reflective. (It’s probably because we are stuck in bed with chills and a runny nose!) We tend to be more pensive and go to a place were we are deep in our thoughts and assess what we have done with our lives. We think more about our past, present and future. What have we done, what we are doing and what do we want to do or go. Sometimes even, we tend to focus more on what we don’t have and what we have not done which make us more sick physically and in spirit.
The funny thing about a flu or any kind of sickness I’ve experienced so far is they start with feeling bad then worse then worst before getting well. When I was single and alone (I used to say independent!), whenever the worse and worst stage my sickness happened, I would be consumed by the feeling of despair and helplessness. I couldn’t do the normal things I used to do let alone stand without feeling dizzy. I would order in fastfood which didn’t at all help me get any better. I pitied my self for not having someone to take care of me. A hug, a kiss, a touch, a call or a text message. Anything that showed someone cared for me would have made me immediately well! I only always wished for someone who would stay until I felt ok. Just someone to keep me company. Just like our parents when we were young.
However, there’s a bright side to getting sick. We get time off from work and watch all our favorite movies until we get tired or fall asleep. We are also never deprived of sleeping when sick. Sleep doesn’t become a problem. Sometimes we could go on sleeping the whole day without even noticing it. We would fall asleep almost immediately and dream of the good life we had back home where and when we felt safe and loved. And then whenever we wake up, the dream would feel so real that we would feel more sad. I hate getting sick. It makes us realize that we are not in control of everything in our lives. Even if we faultlessly take care of ourselves inside and out, we still get sick. Could it be that we get sick so that we are given the quiet time to analyze our lives and therefore have a better and new perspective? Could sickness be actually a medicine instead of an illness? Or is this just me babbling nonsense because I’m sick! Haha!
Recently though, getting sick isn’t as dreadful anymore as before when I was alone. Now that I have my boyfriend with me, that familiar feeling of being safe and loved is back. I still dream of my life back home when I’m sick, but, when I wake up and see my boyfriend beside me or making a fuss about me, I don’t feel sad and regret anymore. It feels like I’m home once again.
We tend to need more affection and attention whenever we are sick or down. Sometimes, we don’t even need words of encouragement. Just having someone beside us makes us stronger and gives us hope. Medicine will cure our ailments but will never cure loneliness and being alone. Helplessness is a feeling you will feel only when you are alone. Whatever kind of physical or emotional sickness you are suffering from, whether there is a cure or not, having that someone special with you will make everything hopeful and bearable.
Love and companionship are prescriptions you can get for free. These may not be available in your local drugstore or grocer but you can definitely get it anywhere. Sometimes even when you least expect it or even in the least expected places.
A song goes… “Light of the world shine on me, Love is the answer…and when you’re all alone, and when you’re far from home, and when you’re down and out, and when your hopes run out, and when you need a friend, and when you’re near the end, Love one another. Let Love shine on us all and set us free, cause Love is the answer”.
Sure, you can probably make it through anything in this world without love. But don’t you sometimes wish to go through it all with someone you love? Being alone is fun and exciting but Life can be more with someone by our side. When tired, disappointed, frustrated or just sad for whatever reason, Love is the answer.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, fever, flu, love drug, love is the answer, love sick, pain, pills, sick, tablet
LOVE GIFTS
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
August 1, 2010
One of the easiest but very tricky challenge in a relationship is gift-giving. You ask yourself questions like: what will I give the one I love for his birthday? on our Anniversary? Valentine’s Day? Christmas and other more occasions? Will he like my gifts? Will he keep it? use it? or just set it aside to keep somewhere? And how expensive should I give?
My family and friends always have a hard time when it comes to figuring out what gifts to give me on special occasions. Somehow they have this impression that I have everything I need or whatever I need I can get for myself. So, they tell me what else is there to give? They missed most of my birthdays and Christmases and I felt sad and disappointed not to receive anything from them. Like me, any other person drools with excitement when a “personal” gift is received, specially from a boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member. Gifts represent the importance given to a person. Some look at the value of the gift while most like me, look past the financial value and see the gift for what it truly is – that in the busy life of the person giving the gift, he found time to think of me and bought me something that he thought specially just for me. That is what a gift is really all about.
A friend of mine doesn’t like receiving gifts, so she tells us ( I doubt it!). And whenever her Birthday comes up, she insists that there be no gifts. But every year we all give her gifts and she’s always happy and thankful after. Sometimes, we all think that our friend would tell us ahead not to get her anything for her Birthday so we wouldn’t forget to do exactly the opposite!
One of my exes used to give me expensive gifts for special occasions. That was his way of making up for not being a sweet and romantic lover. Because of this, somehow I felt the pressure to give him equally expensive gifts though I scored high in the sweet and romantic lover category. Our gift giving became a question of who will give the more expensive gift. Considering that I had less financial resources than him, I felt my gifts were insignificant. I would always feel insecure and embarrassed. I couldn’t blame him for who he was and what he had. The problem was with me not with him.
On the other hand, another ex didn’t give me any tangible material gifts on Christmases. Every year, he made sure that I celebrated Chirstmas with his family. Because I couldn’t introduce him to my family back then, I felt guilty not being able to give him that gift of knowing my family and my family knowing him.
Receiving and giving gifts should only make us feel good. Whenever we feel bad, guilty or negative about either giving or receiving, there is something wrong in our mind-set. No two gifts can ever be valued the same. Each one of us have our own personal ways of making a gift memorable and personal. So, giving something or buying for any gift for your partner should not feel like a competition or a mutual benefit activity. Whatever your personal style is in gift giving, your loved one will surely appreciate it regardless of its cost, provided of course it’s given at the right time and moment.
Receiving gifts is something everyone enjoys and looks forward to experience. We all feel somewhat like a child when we receive gifts. And that gives us comfort and security that the giver loves us dearly. Liking the gift you will receive or not matters a little, really. It’s that feeling you get when someone hands you a gift and opening it that is memorable and precious. Like me, and others out there who may seem to have everything we need, we too are suckers for gifts. And surprise, surprise! Figuring out what to give us or your lover is easier than you think.
So what gift should you get your loved one on a special occasion? This question isn’t really that difficult to answer. A simple crossword puzzle should give you more sweat than figuring out what to give your partner.
Knowing or not knowing what gifts to give your partner depend on how much sincerity and love you invest in a relationship. You don’t need a metal detector or a compass to point you in the right direction. All you need to have is a sincere loving heart that continuously seek to genuinely know everything there is to know about your partner, well at least the important things that matter and a pair of eyes that will lead you to the clues you need. Having a partner or living together should allow you to get to know your partner beyond the superficial. Everyday or frequent togetherness will definitely give you hints as to what gifts your loved one will appreciate and cherish. So, knowing what gifts to buy should be easy, unless, you’re one who needs to read the “How to give the perfect gift to your boyfriend for the Dummies”, in this case, you are helpless. Lord forbid, an imminent break-up!
Gifts in a relationship express more than the value of what is given to you. What is important is that receiving one indicates that your partner values you as much as he values his personal time and life. Don’t you feel taken for granted when your partner forgets or delays to give anything to you on your special occasions? How busy really is a person in love that he or she can’t find time to buy a gift? Is there even such a thing as a busy person when it comes to love? If your answer to the last question is yes, then you are hopeless and you don’t have any right to be in a relationship. But, if your answer is no, you’re just probably clueless to what kind of gift you want to give your lover. There is hope for you after all!
There are a lot of wonderful gifts you can give at a minimal cost but can be pretty meaningful and memorable. Cooking for your lover is one that’s guaranteed to bring a smile on his face. Bathing your boyfriend and pampering him to a long bath is romantic and will definitely lead to a second gift, a birthday sex! Singing to him his favorite song, or giving him a doodle book (sort of diary) for all your first wonderful and memorable experiences together is a sure surprise! Be creative and stay sincere and you’ll be on the right track.
Clues are just around us to give hints as to what kind of gift we should give. Whether intentionally left for us by our loved ones or not, these are easy to spot. Hints may come from a comment or opinion your loved one said in the past during a conversation, something he kept checking out in the net, tv commercial, magazines or a department store. The best source of clues is your loved ones’ lifestyle and personality. All you have to do is spend a little time to observe your loved one and you will figure out the perfect gift for him.
Your gift shouldn’t have to be expensive, different and unique. A gift that is something personal or useful everyday can be that perfect memorable gift that he will treasure and remember for life. A special interest or a fetish can be excellent sources of gift ideas. Inexpensive cute tees that he likes, shoes, underwear, sleepwear, porcelain, plates, candles, plants, bathing oil, favorite food and movies are just some.
Keep everything plain and simple but memorable and meaningful, gifts given during a relationship should not always be materialistic in nature. After all, who wants to buy love? Remember, anything that can be valued in money is temporary and can easily be replaced. Would you want your relationship to be the same?
Tags: achoo, anniversay gift, beezeebee, birthday gift, bittersweet, buy love, christmas gift, Gifts, love gifts, surprises
FOREVER YOURS?
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
July 18, 2010
They say that Love is patient, Love is kind and Love doesn’t expect anything in return. Well, those may seem true, but, I say it is easy for anyone to say this if you’re not married or living with the person you are in love with.
When the only time you see your LOVE is on weekends, on dates, on short trips and hotel check-ins, Love is so much easy to appreciate and enjoy. No responsibilities and no expectations! You can be together for a specified limited time of a day or a week and take pleasure on things you can do together. Like 3x sex in a day, DVD marathons, dinners at restaurants, mountain climbing, strolling in the mall, watching movies or dancing at the club. Sometimes you can even have so much fun watching your favorite TV shows together! There are unlimited things you can do when you see each other only on occasions.
But, what happens when the occasional dates become more frequent? Say two consecutive days, then three, then four, then finally you can’t get enough of each other and you decide to live together or get married. Will you then still be excited 24/7 with each other? Will there still be plenty of variety of things to do that will not seem boring or monotonous?
What happens when marriage or living together becomes a responsibility? Sex in the bed suddenly isn’t as pleasurable anymore because at the back of your mind you think of not dirtying the sheets because you don’t want to wash it just yet and change it with fresh new ones. The after sex glow is replaced by a face with a question mark painted all over: hungry? Who will prepare food for that lost energy? And who will do the dishes after?
After marriage and when living together, does your heart still jump whenever you see your love? The carefree attitude you used to have is replaced by household and financial responsibilities. Suddenly the reality of life and relationships hit you. Expectations surface and Love and relationship become less simple and more work.
When you decide to get married or live together, this will test all your patience, tolerance, respect, and love for your partner. Aceing this test is not easy. One cannot study long enough to get A’s in this subject. No one is really an expert in matters of love and relationships. Somehow no matter how many relationships we’ve had, we still commit the same mistakes and we are still lost when it comes to handling conflicts in our relationships.
When married or living together, everyday activities feels like responsibilities or assignments. Before when you were just dating, look forward and enjoy dinner dates, now meals are a question of who will make dinner? Who will run to the grocer to buy the ingredients? Who will set up the table and clean the dishes afterwards? The ordinary everyday normal things that you are so used to doing when you lived alone now become an interesting and a frustrating topic for what and what not, whose and whose not and how and how not when you are living with another person.
The toilet seat becomes an interesting conversation topic to couples living together. So do toothpaste tubes, making up the bed, clothes laying around, what programs to watch on TV and more petty things that you don’t even think about before.
There’s also the question of not spending more quality time together anymore. Just when you thought that living together will allow you to see more of each other or give you more time to do things together and enjoy the non-busy days, somehow living in one roof makes it even more difficult. You’re awake, he’s asleep, he’s awake you’re asleep! You’re tired, he’s not tired, he’s tired and you’re not tired. Even your sex life changes. When before all you do is sex whenever together, now the sex becomes less frequent more scheduled and less spontaneous.
Living together allows you to see the real “yous.” But, what if you find out that you don’t really have a lot of things in common? And what if the things you don’t have in common cannot be resolved? How long can you hold on to your patience and tolerance? What is the limit to your understanding? Can love be enough to make you happy and stay?
Like normal couples, my boyfriend and I argue about petty things and big things. But, the good thing is, we manage to resolve each one of them and come out to have a stronger relationship after. He tells me that I should listen to him more and I tell him to be more sensitive of my needs. We both want things from each other and we both want each other to change certain ways. During an argument when feelings are heightened, pride and ego step in and we tend to argue even more and we become more stubborn and unwilling to compromise. In these instances, he’s taught me to step back and think first before saying anything or reacting on something. Most of the time, that does the trick. And almost all the time after an argument, when I think about whatever we argued about, it always seem to be trivial and unimportant that I even regret arguing about it.
So when your world becomes so small and you only see the problem that is in front of you in all its spectacle and grandeur, take a step back and you’ll see that there is more to the problem than what you see. Don’t be a fool to look at your world only in close-ups. If you want a life that you intend to share forever with the one you love, see all the bits and the pieces of the puzzles in your relationship. You will be surprised that sometimes it’s the normal ordinary things you take for granted that will hold your relationship together.
Well, I guess nobody will ever be prepared for the consequences of taking that next step in a relationship. We are all different no matter how similar we are or seem to be the same with our partners. There will always be something to disagree and argue about. The big question is…will you come out stronger after? Or will the relationship fall apart? I guess we all have to find out ourselves either the easy way or the hard way. Then maybe, just maybe, forever yours can be.
Tags: achoo, arguments, beezeebee, bittersweet, couple, fights, forever, live-in, LOVE, marriage, misunderstanding, reconciliation, selfish
WHO ARE YOU WHEN IN-LOVE?
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
July 11, 2010
As spectators of LOVE, it is often easy to criticize how others express or behave when in-love. Some people are so comfortable with PDAs (public display of affection) like holding hands, kissing, hugging, caressing each others’ faces and sometimes even making out, well sort of. For others, maybe not as expressive as some. They act normally just like friends (so they think! but who are they fooling? They can’t be that obvious…much!) when together in public but have wild sex and romance when just the two of them in private. And then, there are some who are just too conscious and concerned about what other people may say that they avoid to be seen together in public at all cost.
Ahh…Love is a mysterious feeling. People who are in-love would almost do anything in the name of love. Strangely, when suffering from that love bug we would readily forsake our families, transfer cities or jobs, put our personal dreams and ambitions on hold, forget out friends, learn the same sports or interests of the other, refuse travel opportunities and a lot more which I am sure you have done once or twice before.
Having experienced the craziness of falling in love, this perhaps is why we are quick to judge people in-love to be ridiculous, petty, and inconsistent, narrow minded or even maybe troubled. And it seems like when we observe or experience being with people in-love we feel like their worlds are so small, unexciting and so limiting. Their lives revolve around their loves and their relationships. They talk a whole lot about that person they love and will always find a reason to include in any topic or conversation their boyfriends/girlfriends or their relationships.
However, when the tables are turned and we ourselves are at the other end of love, we realize that all these madness are inevitable and we understand why people behave as we do when in love.
Love makes us feel giddy and giggly whenever we talk about the people we are in-love with. Our interest and excitement for other things that are not related to our relationship and loves somehow diminish. Even our usual behavior is affected. We become either too quiet or behaved than the usual or too energetic and active than normal when with the people we love, specially when love is just starting. There seems to be an invisible force that makes us become someone else. Love has the power to make us behave unexpectedly different than our usual selves.
Recognizing who is in-love is easy. You will notice that the first thing to change is the MOOD. When in-love, don’t you suddenly display a happy disposition at more times than usual? And are you now seldom bothered by the usual things that used to bother you a lot before? Aren’t you less of a war freak than usual and more patient about everything? Don’t you have more tolerance for waiters, sales ladies, cab drivers, traffic lights and waiting in line for anything?
Some say that looks have nothing to do with Love. But I disagree. Most times birds of the same feathers flock together. It’s just the natural order of things. Good looking people fall in love with each other and then, for the rest of the population love is for the grabs. But, sometimes strange unexplained things do happen. Adonis or Venus may fall head over heels with a human! And whether a god or a human, when in-love a person’s APPEARANCE is bound to change! The good looking of course becomes more good looking and the ordinary looking ones suddenly become more attractive and pleasing to the eye. They say you glow when you’re in-love. Maybe true, maybe not. But don’t you notice that you give more attention and longer preparation time for your physical looks when in-love? A better haircut/do, make-up, manicured or clean fingernails, a perfume bottle that used to last for months now has a life expectancy of weeks. Then there’s the new clothes, new shoes and a friendlier smiling face. Ummm…..
People in-love are also like magicians. They are suddenly masters of disappearing acts. When you’re in-love your friends will begin one by one to tell you that they see LESS and LESS of you. Suddenly you find yourself thinking of excuses to avoid your usual night outs, birthday parties, movie dates, etc. etc. Telephone calls other than to the one you love are suddenly shorter and less frequent which is true for text messages as well. And, when you do find time to be with friends, you rush your attendance and somehow always manage to go home earlier than the rest. Sounds like us…when in-love?
Love is such a strange miracle indeed! We feel great all the time. Everything seems clear but confused, easy but complicated, forever but momentary, inspiring but overpowering. I had this ex-boyfriend who would tell me to “go ahead, go out with your friends when they ask you out, its perfectly fine, you don’t have to bring me along, I won’t mind it.” And then when I do go out with my friends, he would make me feel guilty about it somehow, like wait up for me or send me text messages every other five minutes to say he misses me and wishes we were together or would do something unexpected and unplanned a few days after which will surprise me like a sudden out-of-town trip, or a friend from somewhere far arrived and he has to take him out or he’s been invited to a birthday party which he had never mentioned to me before. Insecurities all in the name of love.
So, what is it with being in love that makes us change who we are or makes us afraid to be who we really should be? Can’t we be ourselves and expect others to love us as much? Can’t we continue to live our lives as we used to? Or are change and compromise inevitable? And if yes, how much change and compromise are good for our relationships and for us?
Change should be good.
Change should be welcomed.
Change should make us become a better version of who we are.
Change should not force us to be someone else.
Change should not change our individual identities.
And change should be inspired, because we feel free and happy when in-love not trapped or afraid.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, change, crazy, dreams, fool, friends, looks, LOVE, making love, miss, romance, sex, suffering
FALLING IN LOVE
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
June 7, 2010
They say falling in Love is like standing at the edge of a cliff.
You feel all kinds of emotions. When you see the wide expanse of space in front of you, you feel Excited, you just can’t take that big smile off your face. And as the cold wind brushes your body and you feel that wintry and warm sensation all over, you feel like you want to shout on top of your voice and declare to the world that you are in love!
There’s also that immeasurable Joy and Exhilaration that make your heart pound so hard and so loud you can feel your heartbeat even without putting your hand on your chest. The heartbeat goes faster and heavier and you can’t breathe! It’s like you want it to stop and not, all at the same time!
And then there’s Fear, specially when you look down from the cliff and see how deep you might fall and how hurt you might be when you hit the ground.
Falling in love is never an easy or a comfortable feeling. You don’t know whether to put your guards up or down. You don’t want to be obvious with your emotions and neither do you want to show that you’re not that interested. It’s just a simple complicated matter…that falling in love thing.
It was on Valentine’s night when my current boyfriend proposed to me, well actually not really proposed completely. We had been seeing each other for sometime but nothing was exclusive, we just didn’t talk about commitment. After all, it had only been a couple of months since we started going out. We were happy spending time together. It started with movie dates, walks at the park, shopping for anything and everything, dinners at restaurants, long conversations on the phone and stargazing from the roof deck of my building when he visited me on weekends. We did pretty much the normal things normal couples who were getting to know each other would do, well maybe not that usual or normal you may say. But the thing we loved doing the most was sitting down on park benches holding each others hand or embracing without even saying anything. Just being together gave us comfort and happiness. We didn’t have to talk all the time. It was spending time together that mattered.
Two days before Valentine’s day, I got this weird suspicious call from him asking me to reserve my night 2 days after. I smiled because I knew immediately that 2 days after was Valentine’s Day. Hmmmm….I thought….Was he planning to propose on Valentine’s Day? Oh, my God! I didn’t know what to feel! I said “sure!” in my best as a matter of fact sounding voice pretending not to suspect anything. Then he said, “and oh, I’ll pick you up that night after dinner maybe around 10pm” I was confused. This wasn’t a proposal because it was after dinner. Was he just a cheap date? or could this be a strategy so I wouldn’t expect anything important? He didn’t get in touch with me during those two days before Valentine’s Day which I found unusual. Finally I got a call from him early morning of February 14 to remind me of our plans that night. I was glad that he called, but also panicked because I might be getting the wrong signals from him, or probably getting the right signals but interpreting it all wrong. I thought, maybe he might be deliberately sending me the wrong signals to cover his intentions or maybe not? I thought about this all day, well, you know how girl are!
He got me thinking about us. Granting that he was going to propose, was I ready for a commitment ? We had this great thing going with us and I just didn’t want anything to change it. I thought about my feelings for him. Was I in love with him? Was I only waiting for him to tell me he loved me before I acknowledged the feeling that I loved him? I thought hard. I just came from my fifth relationship which was really really bad, and I just didn’t know if I was ready for another relationship. What if my heart will be broken again? What if he’s just like the other guys I’ve had relationships with? The wait was killing me.
Valentine’s day arrived. He picked me up and I was surprised that he took me to his apartment. Hmmmm…maybe sex was the only thing he had in his mind afterall! I had been in his apartment a couple of times and we had a lot of fun everytime. I felt relieved and a little disappointed that he might not be proposing tonight even though I didn’t know how I would react to a proposal.
We sat on his living room couch for a while until he excused himself to get refreshments for us. I was checking out the candles on his table when he came out from the kitchen with four dozens of long stemmed dark red roses! I was surprised! Happily surprised that I couldn’t say anything. Somehow I was expecting a surprise but nothing like this! I had received roses before, there was the single long stemmed rose, three roses and one dozen of roses from other men, but never four dozens. I couldn’t help but smile and feel conscious. He then approached me and I stepped back, he stepped towards me even more and I stepped back again until he had me pinned on the wall. He held me with his big arms and whispered in an almost trembling voice ( I could tell that he was nervous and that he prepared what he was about to say to me ) “I know we haven’t known each other that well yet and that you just came from a previous bad relationship, so what I am asking you tonight is to allow us to get to know each other exclusively so we may know what we are and what we could be.” I was speechless. He said everything I would have said had I been the one who proposed. I smiled and said “yes!”
We didn’t make love that night. We just sat there on his couch holding each other and talking about everything and anything. We stayed awake until 3am. I didn’t sleep that day. All I could think about was how he knew exactly what I wanted to hear at that time. We saw each other everyday since then. And a week after, he proposed and I said yes!
Now, it’s been a year and four months. We’ve lived together for almost a year now. Everyday is still like the first day we moved in together. We’re always in each other’s arms, talking about anything and everything, sometimes daydreaming together, other times laughing and giggling at each others’ jokes and pranks. There had been misunderstandings but somehow we always managed to talk about them and settled everything before a the day ended. I know that the time will come when our excitement for each other will not be as what it’s like now, and he reassuringly tells me every time “let’s focus on the present and not worry about the past and the future because if our present is so great so will our future be.”
When you find yourself standing at the edge of a cliff, sooner or later the time will come when you have to decide if you will plunge in and take the dive.
There are some who choose to stay at the edge of the cliff all their lives merely as observers. They are always on the safe predictable sure side of things. They read romance novels and watch romantic movies. Afraid to take the risks of what love may bring. They may have been hurt in the past or simply have never experienced loving and getting love back, they are so afraid that love might not be what and how they expect love to be, so they just don’t fall in love. These people have the tendency to choose to love those who are not available, like someone completely out of their league, somebody in a different country or continent, or maybe a well known actor or singer or maybe a married boss or colleague, or maybe just an ordinary person who doesn’t even know they exist. They have a secret relationship which they can completely control. They never get hurt, and they can express their love anytime without the expectations of getting a response. They don’t get disappointed but they end up old, alone and loveless.
Then, there are those who turned their backs and just walked away never to know what could have been and could not have been. These are people who’ll always have a place in their hearts with the “one who got away” even if they have found the next best thing. They suffer for eternity with the unknown. They playback in their minds over and over that moment when they turned their backs away from love. They daydream of going back in the past to be able to get a second chance to relive and change their lives. At night they have nightmares of regret and loneliness and wake up every morning with the wrong person or with the person they settled for in the end beside them.
And then there are those who are just like me. Those who chose to let go of their fears, trusted how they felt and followed their hearts.
A year and a half ago, I chose to plunge in and took the risk. I have never regretted that decision. I admit that in my current relationship, there are days when it’s cloudy, and there are days when there are even thunderstorms. But, I get to experience all of these because I made a decision. Every morning I wake up with the boyfriend I chose to be beside me. I still read romance novels but not every single day anymore. I get to live what I read now and even get to write my own. I still watch romantic movies, but not every week and not alone anymore. I get to hold hands with someone now and eat ice cream and junk food while watching movies. I still find some actors and celebrities hot, but they don’t preoccupy my time and my thoughts anymore. And there are times when I am alone, but there’s the comfort that my boyfriend will be beside me at the end of the day or a trip. I am where I chose to be and I am happy because I chose to be happy. Everything that is happening to me now is because I made a choice.
Don’t let time and love pass you by. Because when they’re gone they’re gone. Don’t let the maybes pass by without giving yourself the chance to find out if they could be the right ones. You might be missing out on the best there is.
In falling in Love, would you truly be happy loving in secret and loving from afar? Would you rather be a bridesmaid all your life and never experience being the bride for a change? Can falling in love and surrendering to love be as frightening as spending the rest of your life alone…or alone with your cats or dogs? At the end of everything, when all you’ve got is yourself, your money, your career, your accomplishments, your travels and all your material possessions, and even your family and friends, would you honestly, sincerely and completely be happy and not be bothered with that stabbing feeling that somehow your life isn’t what it’s supposed to be, that somehow your life isn’t complete, that you know you’re missing out on something?
Don’t let your life be a big “what if?”. Open your eyes and yourself to the possibilities and the opportunities that life has to offer. They are all free, all you need to do is to take a chance and bet on life that what you get in the end is something you want. And even if you don’t get what you want in the end, sometimes life has a way of surprising you that what you’re getting is really what you want after all.
Fall in love, it will do you good. I guarantee it. Maybe the good will be for now or maybe the good will be the best in your future. In any way, nothing bad really comes out of love. Just think about it. It’s only us who taint the meaning of love.
Dare to live life with love and love will find its way to you.
Tags: achoo, adore, beezeebee, bittersweet, boyfriend, dare, fall, falling in love, girlfriend, jump, live, LOVE, proposal, risk, romantic movies, taking chances, valentine, what if
WHEN LOVE DOESN’T WORK OUT
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
July 2, 2010
The drill is quite simple. You fall in love or love finds you. You make a commitment to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, then live happily ever after. We wish. What movies do not show is what comes about after the I dos and the forever and ever. What happens after we give the key to our hearts to someone? Sometimes the “for better” doesn’t happen, only the “for worse” does. So what do you do when love doesn’t work out?
Falling in love and committing to a relationship is like investing in stocks. The stock market is so unpredictable that one day market prices can soar way up through the ceiling and the next day it could plummet way down below the ground! Just like love. The feeling is so high in the beginning and can just go downhill for one reason or another. In investing in stocks, it’s anticipating what could happen and acting quickly on a solution that saves you from bankruptcy. In love, the same strategy seems to work as well.
But even the best strategy can sometimes fail. So, if things don’t end well in your love investment…what happens when love doesn’t work out?
In my journey to find that one true love, I’ve had four broken relationships that have left their distinctive scars in my heart. I’ll tell you about the first two.
My first serious relationship came when I was a teenager. We were both young, unrealistic about things, impressionable, extremely emotional and needy. We broke up more times than we celebrated our monthsaries and anniversaries for petty reasons such as forgotten dates or promises, a day that ended without a call, exes and new friends suddenly showing up and all those little jealousy related matters that would normally not cause a break-up if only we were matured enough to handle conflicts and miscommunications. There was never a dull moment. I experienced all the kinds of hightened emotions during this relationship even the ones I never imagined I could be capable of feeling. So, by the time we reached our last and final break-up, I was numb from any feelings that are usually associated with break-ups. I wasn’t sad and I wasn’t happy. I was too exhausted and drained to feel anything. Being so used to break-ups and make-ups made me felt relieved that finally the relationship ended! It was like I have been mourning for our relationship even before it actually died.
The break-up was a blur to me. Whenever I find myself thinking of how the relationship ended, I couldn’t exactly pin-point how and when. There were so many break-ups that it seemed not to matter anymore how it got to its swan song. I found new friends and excelled in school after my first serious relationship ended. I also found myself and got to know who I was.
When you’re young and in love, why is it that love is always connected to break-ups and make-ups? Is it because we feel more in-love after we make-up? Does breaking-up and eventually making-up makes a relationship more exciting and thus help make it last longer? It’s so easy to fall in love and even easier to fall out of love when you’re young. So does that mean young lovers are doomed to break-up sooner or later? What are the chances of first loves ever becoming the last love?
What happens when a relationship ends? Do you remain friends, potential lovers or strangers? Does your perspective about love and relationship becomes jaded? Do you become less trusting? Less giving? Does it become harder for you to fall in love the next time around?
My second serious relationship happened 3 years after. He was 5 years my senior. I thought this time it was perfect unlike my first one. I was older and a little wiser and more experienced on love than I was before. I told myself, this relationship will have less drama. Given the fact that my boyfriend was also older and had more experience with relationships I assumed that he’ll have a better perspective about everything relationship related.
We complimented each other in every way. I was fun, energetic, excited and whimsical. He was calm, consistent, and predictable. My love life seemed perfect. As if nothing could go wrong. Everything in the relationship was organized, well planned and thought of. No missed calls, no unexplained events, no exes or new friends popping out of nowhere. No arguments, no miscommunication. Everything was smooth sailing. Mutual expectations were set and met. I had a stable quiet relationship. But, as time went by, each day passed in quiet monotony. The perfect relationship that I thought would be soon became perfectly boring and unsurprising. There was no spontaneity, no highs and no lows, no variety. I tried to complain, but dared not because I was happy and content in a weird sort of way. There were no fights, no shouting, no non-speaking moments of silence which usually happens after an argument. My relationship was the exact opposite of my first one.
But, one day, having been used to the monotony of our schedules, my boyfriend slipped. An unexplained event turned out to reveal a series of almost perfectly concealed infidelity. It took me completely by surprise! I was too confident to assume that everything was going so well for us. I was so trusting of the serenity in our relationship. Everything that I believed in about love and relationship crumbled right in front of me. I was deceived. I found out the hard way that older doesn’t mean wiser. The break-up broke my spirit and it broke my heart.
How many heartache can a person take? How many disappointments and betrayal do we have to endure to learn our lessons? And what lessons are there to learn? That believing in love is pointless? That all hope is lost? That in all relationships, disappointments and frustrations are inevitable? That love and relationships suck?
Can we ever find our happy ever after? And what does it take to find happiness in love? What happens if our expectations from our relationships do not turn out the way we want them to? Do we just turn a blind eye so we don’t end up disappointed and loveless?
How can we make relationships work? Maybe if we do things for the one we love without expecting anything in return… that may make a relationship successful. Can’t we just be happy to give love and hope that in doing so, others will give love too? So easy to say, so hard to do, I know. After all, the only thing we have direct control over is ourselves, our own feelings and our own actions. Hard as we try to change others we just can’t. We can only influence them to do good and hope they will reciprocate our love. They say love begets love. I guess we can start from there. So what happens when love doesn’t work out? Let’s try round 2 and 3 and 4….We still continue to love, I guess…
Tags: achoo, adore, beezeebee, bittersweet, boyfriend, break-up, ex, experience, girlfriend, happy, heartache, investment, LOVE, make-up, relationship, round one
MORE TO LOVE THAN LOVE (When Love is More than Enough)
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
June 28, 2010
Sometimes people come in our lives just because they need to serve a purpose. What purpose and until when they are staying is pretty much unpredictable. But, it’s almost always a guarantee that after having their purpose served, some go away like strangers, uncertain when we will meet them again while others become part of our lives like our shadows. We may not always know it, but they are always there for us when we need them. And then a few or maybe just one, becomes the love of our lives. Irreplaceable and incomparable. Destined to be with us until the end. Hmmmm…
Being human allows us to feel, think and learn from mistakes we commit and experiences we go through. Myriads of emotions are available only to us such as love, hate, kindness, impatience, empathy, rudeness and more. Each time we meet someone new or part ways with someone, we at least feel one of these emotions.
Exes are people from our pasts. That is why they are marked as X. For some reason or another they could not continue to walk with us in our life journeys because having them around just doesn’t work out or just too difficult or painful for us or maybe for them. They are usually the one’s we should avoid if we want an uncomplicated relationship with our CHECKS (current boyfriends) !
One time in my single past, I had a relationship with a doctor who took care of me when I was hospitalized for allergies. Meeting him and having a whirl wind of a relationship was something I wasn’t prepared for.
I was having dinner at a fancy restaurant with some friends, all dolled up in designer clothes and shoes when my whole face and body erupted with all kinds of rashes, lumps and bumps after eating some clams. I initially struggled to catch my breath with poise, which turned out to be in vain as I soon found myself on my knees with the entire table cloth in my hands trying desperately to breathe. My lungs felt so heavy as if I had bricks on my chest, I felt like my air pipes were clogged that I couldn’t get air in. I thought it was the end of me. Through my peripheral view I saw my reflection in one of the restaurant mirrors and said to myself….Oh, god please don’t let me die looking horrible and at a restaurant floor at that! Some good Samaritans rushed me to the nearest hospital and was immediately injected with some drug that managed to calm me down and allowed me to breathe. When I woke up, my designer dress was replaced by a hideous green hospital gown and a tube was hooked up in my arm. A face of a beautiful man was looking straight at me mumbling something that I couldn’t completely understand. I smiled and thought, oh great! I wonder how I looked like then dozed off again. I was checked out of the hospital a week after in perfect health and with a perfect doctor – boyfriend – with a beautiful face.
I spent my weekends in my new doctor boyfriend’s loft since I was checked out of the hospital. I guess when you’re vulnerable and in a hospital bed romance can bloom overtime. Just barely a month in the relationship, I traveled with my boyfriend in his hometown to meet his family. As usual, I passed with flying colors and his entire family loved me. Two months on to our relationship the weekend sleepovers extended to weekly slumber party for two. We were practically living together. I was happy.
Towards the fourth month of our relationship, I became to notice how different we were as people. He couldn’t accept any opinion different from his, and he was lazy at home when not working. Fifth month to the relationship, I noticed that he was becoming more and more possessive of me. He would appear wherever I would go and would always have an emergency each time I would have to go to a party or a cross state trip so naturally I would be with him and cancel whatever plans I had without him. Don’t get me wrong, At that stage of our relationship, I wanted to be with him also all the time, but it wasn’t enough for him, he wanted my attention every second we were together! Whenever he would talk to me about anything he wanted me to be looking at him. Dinners were always taken together, it became a must even when I would go home late for meetings, he would wait for me so that we could have dinner together. This behavior escalated to intolerable proportions. I couldn’t even take a shower alone, he wanted to be with me all the time when we were together at home. He also became jealous of everybody, people I know and even strangers. One time, we rushed to the emergency room for my stomach pains and he got jealous of the doctor and the staff who treated me. He was rude to everyone and didn’t stop questioning me about the time he wasn’t with me during my treatment.
He became too much for me to handle. I felt trapped. I stayed with him for a couple of months more, then finally decided that I wanted out of the relationship because I wasn’t happy anymore. The relationship wasn’t a relationship anymore it felt more like a burden and a responsibility. It was not a healthy relationship.
Most of the time, I would worry about whether I was giving him enough attention so that he wouldn’t get depressed and paranoid. I tried to leave him twice but each time I did, he would tell me that he’d kill himself. So I stayed. One day, having had enough of everything, I decided to just leave and not think of what might happen next. I never saw him since then.
In loving someone, is there such a thing as loving more than enough? Can that same emotion of affection that builds and makes love last destroy a relationship? If love is what everybody searches for all our lives, and that love is the end all of everything, how is it then that when we find love, we don’t know how to hold on to it?
Sometimes we give more of love, sometimes we give less of love. Other times we receive more or less of the love we give. When the love we receive is more than enough, shouldn’t we be happy that we are getting a lot of love rather than less or nothing at all? After all, we’ve searched for love all our lives and then when we finally find it, more than enough love isn’t enough anymore for us? How much love exactly should we give and receive to make a relationship work? And when do we say exactly when love is just enough?
I loved my ex and I know that in his own way he did love me sincerely. But, I guess there is just more to love than love.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, boyfriend, break-up, change, crazy, DOUBT, enough, ENVY, ex, FEAR, heartache, JEALOUSY, LOVE, more, relationship, valentine
TRUSTING ON LOVE
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
June 25, 2010
Anyone who has been in a romantic relationship has one time or another felt that stabbing feeling of mistrust towards a partner. The feeling doesn’t go away easily. Somehow, during the peak of this emotion the search for the truth is so consuming that it changes your perspective about things. You become less sweet, less excited, less thoughtful, less friendly… less becomes so much more that sometimes your relationship is strained in such a way that getting over a trust issue becomes a deal breaker. In the end you either end up with, or without a partner.
What is it then about trusting another person that makes it so difficult specially trusting a lover or a partner. Is it human nature to be doubting? Or are we just being protective of our own feelings when we mistrust our partners?
They say that if there is smoke there is fire. Sometimes the smoke can come in a form of an unidentified number to a text message you read in your boyfriend’s mobile phone, or your partner suddenly straying away from a usual schedule or routine, or maybe even a mysterious call that makes your partner all of a sudden distracted. In these instances, don’t you feel like you want to find out if indeed there is fire that’s causing all the smoke?
In one of my past relationships, I had this boyfriend who kept on checking out his mobile phone every time we were together. Don’t you hate that feeling when you are with your boyfriend in a romantic moment or just chilling out, just the two of you, enjoying a lazy afternoon in bed or a movie date or probably a semi romantic dinner and for some reason your boyfriend keeps on checking his mobile phone every other minute. How will you react to this? Doesn’t your gut tells you that there is more to this unusual behavior which boarders on insult that makes you feel insecure? Doesn’t that makes you feel like there is something else that he wants to do or there is something he is waiting for that is worth so much more than the romantic moment you are having with him? What could be so important to him at a moment like this other than sex with you? You begin to ask yourself and wonder silently, am I boring him? Am I not interesting enough to get his attention just this one moment after a week of not being together? Is my presence with him isn’t enough that he needs to check out his phone more times that he looks at me or holds my hand? Inside you fight to ignore the emotions you feel, but, doesn’t it consumes you find out what the truth is or at least know the answer behind your questions so finally you don’t have to run a series of torturing what ifs in your mind. Don’t you deserve your peace of mind? And don’t you deserve your worth?
When your relationship is in the honeymoon stage you think that having a relationship is as easy as 1 2 3. But as you go on, you find out that easy and simple are actually just words and that relationships are hard and complicated afterall! Everything is not always “peachy.” There is never such a thing as a perfect relationship as what you may have pictured sometime.
Whoever said that relationships should be easy is either insane or a hypocrite. Relationships are easily hard. Relationships take a lot of effort. Having patience and the ability to ignore things you see that are amiss and give these the benefit of the doubt takes a lot more in you. Keeping quiet and holding your tongue and not expressing how you feel take so much effort than nagging or having a melt down. So when I see or hear of a relationship that is having problems and lovers having arguments…I can’t help but smile. Because that is how and what relationships are realistically all about. I wouldn’t wish though to have frequent arguments in my relationships but a relationship that doesn’t have any conflict is like a beautiful house made of straw. One gust of strong wind and the house is gone.
Although I believe that relationships are hard, I also believe that it takes so much effort to be unhappy than be happy. Who wants to be tired all the time? And who wants to be tired and unhappy? Maybe one of the secrets to a good relationship is learning to choose your battles. After all, we can’t go on fighting all the time, it’s just so exhausting and the fights get old. And soon, we lose the energy to fight and eventually the interest in the person we are fighting with. Even the Romans found time to rest from their battles. Shouldn’t we?
Trust is never a simple issue in a relationship. Most of the time we don’t discuss it. We keep it to our selves. We play it by ear. We feel, then we observe then we investigate and then we conclude. Sometimes we get it right, other times we get it wrong. Either way, the relationship is strained. And because of this, oftentimes, we keep to ourselves our questions and insecurities in our relationships and partners because we don’t want to appear insecure and needy and not have a confrontation with our partners.
How then do we manage trust issues in our relationships? When we keep to ourselves our trust issues are we compromising our happiness for the sake of keeping a strained relationship? And don’t you notice how when our relationships are smoothly sailing without the drama and issues we seek for questions and doubts? What happens if we ignite a smoke with all our questions? Are we ready to confront the fire we started? And the worst is, what happens if we can’t put out the fire?
They say to let a sleeping dog lie. When our relationships are going well and we are actually happy with how everything is, should we leave some questions unanswered so they may not cause trouble? Why do we have this hunger for answers when it comes to relationships? Can’t we just be happy and enjoy what we have when nothing seems to be wrong? Are we all a bunch of crazy people who run around looking for love and then deliberately sabotage it once we find it? Is there no contentment in matters of love and relationships? Can we really give our unconditional trust to the people we romantically love? Would you want to baby sit your relationship 24-7? Don’t you just find it exhausting to worry all day and everyday about your relationship? Whether or not you can trust your partner or not? When and how then do we find peace and security?
In all my relationships, trust has always had a major role. There were times when I was able to manage trust issues and there were more times when the trust issues managed me more. There have been people who have broken my heart and people who have broken my spirit because of trust… Now, I tell myself to just be prepared and enjoy the moment. Life is really short and unpredictable. You can’t be consumed with matters that will only question your heart and feelings. I guess the only way to tell if you can trust your partner is to ask yourself…. Can your partner trust you? Then the rest should fall in their proper places.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, DOUBT, ENVY, FEAR, JEALOUSY, LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, SEPARATION, TRUST
LOVE GAMES
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
June 14, 2010
Break-ups are always messy. There’s the awkward division of friends, sometimes properties, places to hang out, and the lies you have to tell relatives, friends and co-workers who have gotten used to you and your partner as a couple.
One time, I broke up with a boyfriend. For weeks I didn’t tell my friends about it. I didn’t exactly lie to them or told my friends this intricate make-believe story, (don’t you notice how when we make up lies our stories are so detailed and specific that people become more suspicious) I simply avoided lovelife talk or tried to get out of the conversation every time the topic was discussed. And whenever asked about him or my relationship I would quickly say “he’s ok, or we’re ok!” and immediately bring up something new to talk about.
In relationship break-ups, when caught in a situation of whether coming out with the truth or hiding the truth momentarily from others arise, what do you do? Do you tell a white lie that’s not going to hurt anyone anyway (and feel guilty and bad after) or come clean with the truth which always put the person who asked you in an uncomfortable situation of not knowing what to say to you?
What is it in break-ups that somehow compels you to hold back on the complete truth that we deliberately give the impression that we are still “on” with a boyfriend or girlfriend when the relationship has already ended? Is it because we don’t want to feel that we failed because we couldn’t hold on to a relationship? Are we more concerned about what others may feel about us rather than how we feel inside during break ups? Moreover, do we feel better or worse when we lie about relationships gone sour?
A friend of mine who had this habit of breaking up every month with her only boyfriend called me one day. For a call that was meant to ask me if she could borrow one of my favorite pair of shoes for an event, her voice stammered like she was concerned about something important that she wanted to talk to me about but couldn’t, not just yet. I immediately knew that she was having relationship problems, again. So like what any other good friend will do for a friend in need, I pretended to be clueless and went along with our usual conversations about work, our mutual friends and the stuff. I tried to stay away from relationship questions. Then after 10 minutes of the pretend conversation that I was having with her, she realized that I was never going to ask her about her boyfriend, so she suddenly broke into tears. I felt that uncomfortable silence that happens after hearing a bad news and you don’t know what to say but you wish you do, but afraid to say anything for fear that you might end up making the other person feel even worse. I didn’t know what to say to my friend. I forced myself to say something nice and comforting even if half-meant . I was about to tell her, “don’t worry you guys will get back together again after you miss each other, you always do….” when she broke down in tears me and mumbled that there’s no chance that they would be getting back again, not this time around because she was unfaithful to him, sort of…. Apparently, because my friend wasn’t feeling her boyfriend’s love like she used to, instead of talking to him about this she sent an email to hook up with an ex which her boyfriend mistakenly read in her outbox. She told me that the hook up never even happened and she just acted out of frustration when she sent the message and didn’t really have the intention to meet up with the ex. Her boyfriend of course was hurt big time. He didn’t know whether he should believe her or not and couldn’t handle the situation so he called it quits, this time for real!
My friend was no doubt in love with her boyfriend. I suppose she just didn’t use the right approach to get the assurance from her boyfriend that he loved her. As a result, he drove him away instead of drawing him closer and lost the relationship which she hoped would have lasted longer.
In matters of love, are love games necessary to keep a relationship alive? And if these are essential to an exciting relationship, what is the extent of the games we can play with our partners?
In a relationship, are love games really important to strengthen bonds and make them last? Why can’t honesty, fidelity, and commitment to a relationship be enough that we resort to these complicated love games to enhance our abilities to love and stay in love? How can deception and jealousy which seem to be the main ingredients of love games spice up a relationship and make love stronger? And if you play with deception to get a love or make a relationship last, wouldn’t it bother you that you had to resort to tricks to make the other person love you or love you more? Are you not enough to love? And would you want your partner to play the same game you play him with?
Is Love and Relationship a game that should be played and mastered? Like flirting with another guy across your table to get the attention of your boyfriend who is ignoring you. Or, secretly exchanging text messages or keeping in your phonebook the numbers of your exes and admirers that you tell yourself is without malice at all (but why do you erase the messages they send you immediately after reading them if these are done without malice?) that might come in handy when you need to wake up your boyfriend from getting comfortable with you and your relationship. Do we need to be assured of a fall back when our relationships go sour? Don’t you think that it restricts you from giving your best to your relationship when you know that you have a back up plan in mind, just in case? Are your shared feelings, memories and emotions with your boyfriend or girlfriend simply objects to be toyed with? Maybe if we just give our relationships our all and not expect anything (oh, who am I fooling! Nobody gives his or her all to a relationship without expecting anything in return…maybe expect some little reasonable things then!) or find happiness and contentment with what we have, we might never have to resort to playing the love games.
In games, there is always someone who wins and someone who loses in the end. No one can always win every game or battle.
Whatever games you choose to play in the name of your love and relationship, remember that it is how you love and be loved that really matters. And only you will know who’s playing your game. Don’t be a fool to play games they might bite you in the end. Games have a way of unraveling every secret and every truth. Even the games master is sometimes beaten by the players.
It’s your game…do you still want to play?
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, break-ups, change, crazy, cunning, dobt, DOUBT, dreams, falling in love, FEAR, games, investment, LOVE, proposal, puzzle, relationshi, scheme, single life, valentine
CHOOSE TO LOVE
Posted by beezeebee | Filed under Uncategorized
They say working in the fashion industry makes you a little tougher than the others, more critical and judgmental than most and a little more OC and perfectionist than the average person. And sometimes if you are not careful, you may lose your true self in the process and wake up one day a completely different person. Maybe a better version of you but, then again maybe not.
Before I worked in this industry, I was in the corporate world of Customer Service and Finance. There, I was one of the most successful in my field. But, somehow I felt trapped. Everybody looked the same, how they dressed, how they talked, what they ate and how they ate. People were conservative with their looks and how they see things. There wasn’t a lot of room for self-expression, individualism and exploration. Everything was supposed to be done within an acceptable standard and norm. Everyday was predictable and uneventful. I felt like I was drowning and gasping for air everytime I would wear my work clothes. I felt like I was being defined by what I did rather than who I was. I was terribly unhappy.
I escaped the reality of my situation with movies, television and magazines. I felt that there was this world out there that existed, far different from my world where everything was fast, fun, challenging, always changing, always something new…an exciting life that wasn’t mine, then. I was amazed by how people on TV or the movies and in the fashion magazines look so handsome, beautiful, flawless and perfect! Their lives were so exciting and eventful. Sometimes, I would just imagine how it was like having their lives or just experience a bit of their excitement. I even tried to copy some of their looks, what they wore, the way they dressed, how their hair was styled and even imagine having the same facial features, body proportions and built. I was caught in what seemed to be was a hopeless situation.
Then one day, I decided to leave my life behind and just take a giant leap of faith and change everything. My enthusiasm led me to the Fashion Industry where everything was at the moment and for the moment. I loved it. I met all kinds of people: gorgeous looking people, straight, gays, lesbians, people who claim they’re bi-sexual and people who do not know their gay, tall ones, short ones, artistic people with unique sense of styles, fashionistas who eat and drink fashion, vain people, heartless bastards and bitches, creative people, sexual people, frigid snow queens, users, first class prostitutes, sentimental and sensitive people, funny people, people with no dreams and people with big dreams, passionate people and people who are just living at the present. Finally my life is exactly how and where I want it to be, with a trade-off.
In the mostly superficial and temporary world of fashion I am oftentimes in a position to make dreams come true. This privilege and responsibility is something not to be taken easily nor for granted. A lot would take advantage of my situation if I don’t question people’s intentions and friendships. I have become doubtful of people’s intentions. Do they like me because they really do or because they need something from me? Are they my friends or simply fair-weather friends?
Everybody seems to be after power or the people who have power. People would want to know you, even seek you out and be your friend. But be careful not to be entrapped in their lies and deception. You have to be cautious all the time and have your guards up. It gets tiring at times but challenges your determination.
In the Industry I have also become a little control freak, and they’re right…a little critical and judgmental than most and a little more O.C. and perfectionist than the average person because everybody has a Peter Pan Syndrome, no one is getting older and no one is taking it slow.
Today was particularly busy for me. A lot of paper work and deals to do in the morning and an event to manage and go to in the evening. I was having a business lunch when I got a call from a friend in the industry. This friend used to be one of my closest friends when I was starting out. In the past year, he never bothered to return most of my calls or text messages nor joined me and some of our mutual close friends for dinner after work, shop during pay-days or just hang out, watch a movie or something which we always somehow find time to do before. After fifteen minutes of conversation, I realized that the call wasn’t intended to keep in touch, but, because a work favor was asked from me. I didn’t say yes or no. I just said, lets keep in touch. We’ll see. I didn’t know whether to feel sad or angry or just not care. Should I be grateful that he made the choice for me to keep or not keep him as a friend? Am I making this into a big deal? Or what if people are just the way they are? What if people do things they do without bad intentions? Am I just being hard on others? Or was I right to feel somehow betrayed? My afternoon went by fast but what happened stuck with me like tissue under my shoe. At the back of my mind I was saying I hate people in the industry. I just do.
Late in the evening, I went to a work event and met all these wonderful and not so wonderful kinds of people that I normally meet at work functions. One was this young gay guy who rocked fashion like it was the end of the world. He looked new to the industry but his style was eye catching, he definitely had balls to pull off what he was wearing which was different but looked so good on him. He was fearless and fierce in a fashion sense. Initially I thought of him as superficial, a user and shallow…just the kind I avoid. I dodged him all night and hesitated to even look or talk or give him a sign that I was open to a conversation. Lord no, I told myself. I don’t need another person who will bring my spirits down tonight. I was having a good time. And I was actually liking how my night was turning out. I managed to keep away from him, but, as faith would have it, I was somehow cornered. Taking time to talk and listen to him, I was proven wrong. He wasn’t my omen of death…he was a beacon of hope in a strange package. He told me a story that reminded me how people in the fashion industry are still real people with genuine compassion and intentions not just superficial, vain and ambitious.
He said he was recently in a fashion event where he stood at the sideline of a long line outside the venue without a ticket, but, only his guts and style, and a wish to his fairy Godmother ( you know how gays are so queer and dramatic! ) that somehow, someone, or something will happen that will allow him to get in. A divine intervention I suppose. Suddenly, a group of stylish gay guys ( which he recognized as people who are important and in the public eye, but just couldn’t tell who they were at that moment ) in expensive couture passed by and saw him. One smiled and said to him…You’ve got a fabulous style, different and so you. Do you want to get in? Unprepared for the attention and the invitation, he said in between clearing his throat: Yes, oh, yes! Then come on, walk with us! the other guy said. His feet were numb and his body was shaking in disbelief that what he wished for was happening. It was so untrue to him, he wanted someone to pinch him so he’d wake up. But, everything was real!
Inside, he sat beside them at the front row. His heart beat so fast and he had a big smile on his face. Before the show started, the guy who let him in whispered to his ear…When you become famous yourself, please do the same thing that I did for you. Somebody did the same to me when I was a nobody, and that changed my life. I am where I am now because of that. The lights went out and the show started so he said.
On my way home, I kept on thinking about the story told to me a while ago. It was the most inspiring true story I have ever heard in my years in the Fashion Industry. I immediately thought of writing this blog…but hesitated because my blog was all about love and relationship. How then is this going to fit in? I was pensive for a second, then I smiled and said…this story is about love afterall! …LOVE FOR FASHION!
I am amazed by how strangers and unexpected people can impact you and make you question things you believe in. My new friend reminded me how being fearless and passionate about something have given me the success and happiness that I have now. He reminded me that had I not followed my heart and passion I would probably still be browsing magazines in the grocery or bookstore wishing for something to happen that will change my life.
In matters of LOVE, the same holds true. Being fearless and passionate about something can make love happen, these can even make love last, maybe if not forever, a little bit longer to how long love is meant to be.
Have you ever loved something or someone that you would go to all the lengths to express and demonstrate your love? They say that when you love someone, do not give that someone all the love you have, leave something for yourself, so that when that someone goes away there will be something left for you. I used to believe that it’s true, logical and probably the realistic and practical thing to do while in a relationship, but, tonight got me thinking…just like my new friend who was all out for fashion because he loved it so much, a good thing if not the best thing happened to him, just because he was staying true to who he was and to his passion. Can love then be any different? Are we holding out our passion and missing out on true happiness when for some insecurity or pride we do not consciously or subconsciously give our love to the person we are supposed to be in love with? How many lives do we have? Shouldn’t we then give all to what we have now because time flies so fast and we can never go back to a fleeting moment? Is self-preservation and protection more important than that probability that we might experience the best kind of love we will ever experience in this lifetime? I wonder?
You find success at work, but at the end of the day it’s somehow empty and unimportant. You still feel alone and long for someone to share your day with. A warm hand to hold and will hold you, a sweet familiar voice to hear, eyes to gaze at, lips to kiss, ears that will listen and a heart that will share your feelings. And if everyone is just looking for someone to love and someone to love them, why is it difficult to give all you have for love? You will always have yourself with you and you will always somehow rise from the ashes as you’ve done so many times in the past, but a love and a lover that have gone are like having a day or years of your life memories erased for nothing. You can never turn back the hands of time, but with your present life, would you want to waste your short years of life looking and searching for that love? Or would you rather cherish the love you have now and make it grow and be committed to it so that there will be more years for you to enjoy what love brings?
People can somehow be stubborn to long for something they wish to have, rather than be thankful for what they have and give it all they got. We wish for things that are not there and forget to love the things that are there. Maybe this is a human flaw, but, flaws do not determine our future nor our happiness.
Happiness is a choice. We choose to be happy and we choose to be sad. Love doesn’t choose us. We choose to Love.
Tags: achoo, beezeebee, bittersweet, boyfriend, chance, choice, DOUBT, Falling in love and staying in love, investment, LOVE, make-up, making love, relationshio, relationships are hard, risk, SEPARATION, single life, taking chances, valentine
